Jule (absurd_bird) wrote in poetic_clicks,

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Poetry Critique

Did I sounds condescending to dear old Scott? I didn;t want to.. but I think I may have.

Taken from a poetry forum I visit:

Sleeping cat whose dreams look out
onto the garden puddled,
sending soft whisps of breath
through a tiny rose pinked nose.

Dozing softly by the candle,
purring gently in your sleep.
Imagining perhaps, of chasing
that illusive ball of yarn.

~Absurd Bird
very sweet absurd bird.

I don't understand the second line, do you mean puddled as in rain puddles? if you do the language needs tightening, if not i am more confused. I don't understand "pinked", would plain pink not do. 3rd line 2nd stanza reads funny, "of chasing" seems odd phrasing. Why is the ball of yarn so illusive, don't understand the personification. I love cats, I have two of the pesky critters, i think their mystique and unique feline enigma could be better portrayed in verse.
Ah, thankee Scott :)
As a poet, I love to paint with words, and that sometimes means I need to use a new colour. I don't always stick to straight English, I vary it up a tad to get the sound and image of the word to mix. Example: My English teacher once graded me down because I used the word "twilit garden" (like moonlit...only...not). But twilit was the word...no other could fill it for me. Thus a garden puddled is exactly what it looks like in the head..that image. It just wouldn't be the same if it was a garden full of puddles, would it? :)
I will say this..."of chasing" does sound off...but "of tangling in" was worse. :) Thank you again for your comments :):)
~Absurd Bird
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